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Gratitude Tuesday (on Thursday).

December 10, 2009

The last few days have been quite busy in my Team’s house. We’ve returned from Cape Cod and been welcomed with the first snow storm of the year. Yesterday, my husband worked from home. While he worked, Malone and I enjoyed a lazy day in.

I am grateful for much but this week I want to focus on one thing. This week I am grateful Motherwoman. This week, one of their facilitators helped me realize why I was so sad about missing Malone’s first snow (see post below).

I can’t tell this story without a little bit of background info. This might get a little long so if you haven’t got time you might want to come back when you do.

I am a motherless daughter mother. My mother (I promise I will blog more about her another day) was an alcoholic who died from alcohol poisoning in March of 2007, approximately five months before our wedding. When I was cleaning out her apartment, there were two things I hoped to find and never did.

The first was our Family Bible. This Bible wasn’t often used for study or reading purposes, but rather as a history holder. My mother used this Bible as a place to store birth announcements from family and friends, wedding programs, obituaries from newspapers, and programs from funerals. I don’t know where it got off to, I’m hoping that when I go through things at my dad’s place over Christmas break I’ll find it there.  They got divorced when I was five or six and when I left for college a great deal of my things were stashed in his care.

But more than that, I have no idea where my baby book is. I didn’t find it when I cleaned out her things. I know that she dutifully kept it, recording my firsts, my statistics, and photographs.

Before this week’s circle, I had never put two and two together. The reason I am such a mission to capture all of Malone’s firsts is because I a. no longer have my baby book and b. no longer have my mother to ask.

Which lead me to: this is my first Christmas season as a mother and my mom isn’t here to share in that.

I realized that I am again grieving the loss of my mother. I know it is okay that I am sad, in fact I have the right.

Today I am beyond grateful for Motherwoman‘s existence and their facilitators. Motherwoman is not group therapy, but rather a place where I can be heard in a judgment and advice free zone. When I am there in their circle, I know I am safe to express whatever is on my mind.

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